After Texa's passing, strong emotions shattered the numbness I had been experiencing. Feelings such as sadness, anger, longing, loneliness, guilt, resentment, and regret surged, creating a storm of emotions I struggled to navigate. These powerful and unfiltered emotions frequently brought me to tears as I dealt with the overwhelming grief.
Once a source of peace, sleep became a difficult task following Texa's passing. Nights transformed into a warzone where my mind struggled with constant "what ifs" and "whys." Even when I did manage to drift off, my sleep was fragile and quickly shattered. I would awaken in the middle of the night, gripped by anxiety. As time passed, I realized that these reactions were not irrational; they were my heart's way of coping with the immense pain of losing someone important to me.
Throughout the day, certain moments or conversations temporarily relieve the overwhelming burden of grief. However, these fleeting moments were short-lived. Simple questions like "How are you?" reminded me of the stark absence of Texa, forcing me to confront the reality of her loss repeatedly. As time passed, the reality that Texa was gone forever could still catch me off guard, leaving me shocked and confused.
A year and a half later, I recognized that these waves of disbelief were a natural part of the grieving process. They ebb and flow, at times gentle and others crashing down, until the total weight of the loss settles in. While my emotions might resemble a tumultuous ride on a rollercoaster, I accept this as my heart's way of coping with the immense pain that words cannot fully express. Even though time is said to lessen the impact of these jolts, truly comprehending the harsh finality of death is still a challenging journey that requires patience.
Amid a whirlwind of emotions and experiences, I find peace and a glimmer of hope in the words of 2 Corinthians 4:18. By holding firmly to my faith, I intentionally redirect my attention from fleeting aspects of life to eternal ones. This change in perspective reminds me that my time on Earth is short-lived, as brief as a quick moment, and that my true destination lies beyond, where time has no influence. With open arms, my Heavenly Father awaits my arrival.
I have built the foundation of my life upon principles that surpass fleeting trends, avoiding distractions that offer only temporary relief. This change in perspective has deepened my understanding of life's meaning and given me a sense of serenity amidst the chaos.
Even amid the chaos and heartache of grief, I long for a life not weighed down by the burden of loss. This desire leads me to believe that eternity is a reality far beyond what we can comprehend. Anchored in my faith, I make a conscious effort to shift my focus from turmoil to peace. Doing so reminds me that our time on Earth is brief and that our ultimate destination lies in a place where time holds no influence. The loving embrace of the Divine awaits us all with patience and grace.
Despite the grip of grief, there exists comfort in the knowledge that Texa now rests in the unwavering embrace of God's love. This realization drives a steadfast desire to cherish and nurture love in all its forms, allowing it to shine like a guiding beacon on my journey. Through the intricate dance of loss, grief, and hope, I am cultivating an unwavering commitment to the peace and promise of eternity.