My world was forever altered on May 7, 2022, when my daughter Texa Kite tragically took her own life at our home. Before that day, Texa had meticulously planned her future, from her schooling to her summer lifeguarding job and even a fall ski trip. We have reason to believe that her decision was influenced by negative interactions on social media. As someone who often conducted suicide prevention screenings for my job, I used my daughter multiple times as a guinea pig to practice screenings. There was no indication of trouble, no red flags. Despite the efforts of my husband and emergency responders, Texa could not be revived. Though I knew she had passed away, the detective kneeling before me as he confirmed her death was the most heart-wrenching moment. I was sure I wasn't breathing, and my heart stopped beating. I desperately wanted to escape the pain that filled my heart, soul, and body. It felt like the ground had been ripped out from under me. It was the last thing I thought I would experience and the most challenging road I have ever walked.
Texa was only 15 and 9 months old, with her 16th birthday, driver's license, first real lifeguard job, and Prom all within sight. The suddenness of her loss was a shock that left me numb. No warning. No good-bye. Here one instant, gone the next. It felt unreal to say, "My child is dead," yet it was an undeniable truth.
As a bereaved mother, I now stand alongside the millions of women who have buried a child, a position no mother should ever experience. This is not the life I had imagined, but it is the life I have been given, and I am left to carry the burden of grief on my shoulders. Through it all, I hold on to the truth that God is still good and will continue to trust Him.
Despite the pain, I cling to the hope God gave me through Christ. He asks me to trust His plan, even when surrounded by darkness.
I pray for the strength to accept and embrace the life that God has given me, even when it is not the life I would have chosen. May my heart remain pliable under His hand, and may I have grace for the difficult moments, light for the darkness, and hope for the moments of desperation. I ask God to teach me to lean on, trust, and follow Him wherever He leads. And through it all, I pray that He will give me songs at night.