The Beacon: 2023 08/06

In the days and weeks after Texa's passing, I found that the intense feelings usually broke through my numbness—emotions like sadness, anger, longing, loneliness, guilt, resentment, and regret. As I became fully immersed in the grieving process, I felt flooded with tears and emotions.

Sleep was difficult immediately following the loss of Texa. I would stay awake late at night, obsessing over the "what ifs and whys." I would fall asleep only to wake suddenly in the middle of the night with acute anxiety attacks. It was uncomfortable, but I slowly realized that I wasn't crazy; these were normal reactions to the devastating loss of my daughter.

During the day, I would notice that tasks or conversations sometimes temporarily caused me to forget about the loss until something reminded me again. Even a simple question like "How are you?" was a stark reminder that something terrible had happened and that my life would never be the same. Even months later, there were moments when the realization that Texa was gone forever hit me like an unwanted surprise.

A year and a half later, I'm learning to recognize that shock is a natural part of the grief process and that it comes in waves many times before the total weight of the loss sinks in. Even though it feels like my emotions are constantly off-balance, I now understand that it's all part of dealing with such a painful experience. I am told that with time, the shock will gradually lessen. But accepting the reality of death is hard, and it will take time.

As I navigate through these emotions and experiences, I find incredible comfort and hope in the profound words of 2 Corinthians 4:18. Holding onto my faith, I aim to fixate on the invisible rather than the visible. This reminder allows me to maintain an eternal perspective, understanding that this world is a temporary stopover and my true home is in Heaven with God.

The journey through grief has strengthened my resolve to pursue the promises of Heaven. I've sought to live in sync with eternal principles and find refuge from the fleeting allure of worldly distractions. This shift in focus has brought me a deeper understanding of life's purpose and a profound sense of peace.

Amid the heartache, my soul yearns for an everlasting life, where every tear will be wiped away, and every pain will be healed. Grief becomes a catalyst, propelling me to embrace the hope of eternity, turning my eyes toward the unseen and my heart toward lasting peace.

Even in grief, it's deeply comforting to know that my Texa now resides in the loving presence of God. This awareness fuels my desire to value and cherish love in all forms, making it the guiding light in my life's journey. Ultimately, grief, loss, and hope are woven together, leading me to an unwavering commitment to the peace and promise of eternity.

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