The Beacon: 2024 05/05


Many people think that grief gets easier over time, becoming more manageable as the years pass. However, that's not entirely true. Instead, we learn to deal with it better as we grow and adapt to life without our loved ones. As time passes, we don't make our grief disappear; we learn to live with it, finding ways to keep moving forward despite the pain. I've noticed that I've become stronger and better able to handle my sense of loss and heartache. This personal growth has helped me manage my grief more effectively than I could two years ago.

As the second anniversary of the last time I hugged and spoke to my daughter approaches, I deeply feel the weight of this milestone. Each year reminds me of all the experiences and meaningful moments she's missed, like getting her driver's license, going on her first date, attending prom, and graduating from high school. Reflecting on the changes in my own life over the past few years, it's overwhelming to think about how different Texa might be today if she were still here.

My desire to know who she might have become is mixed with a fear of the unknown, making me both curious and apprehensive about the paths she could have taken and the person she could have become. I wonder if she would have continued swimming in college, aimed for the Olympic Trials, or chosen a different path, such as becoming a doctor or an artist.

These reflections bring a profound sense of loss, not just for me but for Texa herself—the life she never got to experience. Some parents who have lost children can imagine clearly who their child would be today, seeing them in every milestone achieved by their friends or in dreams that feel like glimpses into another world. I can't do that; my thoughts about who Texa would be now are unclear and filled with questions. It feels like I'm an outsider looking into a future that wasn't meant for me, a future where Texa made her own choices and took her own steps in ways I can't predict because they would have been uniquely hers alone. It's tough for any parent in this position, caught between remembering their child as they were and imagining who they could have been, all while navigating the endless "what-ifs" that come with losing a child.

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